Honesty.

12/21/17

 

Shift of season. Changes and growth,
In perspectives, way of thought and way of life.
Winter Solstice.
Authentic, raw beauty.
The real soul weeding its way through the implemented stories and strategies for survival.
A code decoded.

I’ve always been better with words down on paper. The mess of my mind allotting space for my thoughts to organize themselves out and create structured sentences that makes a little more sense then the jabber in the mind. Creating space anywhere in society, to be read or not. The beauty of my words floating through cyberspace, without an unknown destination or gaze of an individual’s eye. Strangers, friends, my mom, who knows?

As I sit perplexed on weeks on end, bashing myself for not coming up with blog ideas, always thinking of the other. What would THEY want to read? What would THEY like and love? What will get THEM to share, comment and engage in my content? Who’s THEY and THEM? And why are they so important? Instead I actually enjoy the unknowingness of this process. To send out art and words, to release the torments of my mind out into the universe, just for little old me. If it inspires people, great! If not, that’s fine too. I want to share what I want when I want and not fear a response or a lack of response. I want to be authentic and raw and real. I want to share my experience just for the sake of sharing it. I want to release that pressure, that fear and let it go. That’s the beauty of art right? To find solace in the creations that derived from a deep space in your being. The exposé of the soul. This New Year will bring forward more real life stories, rawness and beauty.

So Shanley, how are you? How is your spirit? Well honestly, not well but I’m working on it. The winter months, the darker, shorter days getting to my spirit. The floating stage of my life swallowing me whole. I’m a graduate with no job, with dreams of beginning my own business but I have no idea where to start. People say I’ve already started? Perhaps that’s true. Dancing for audiences worldwide, being the token to be glorified for organizations, etc. But is it really my spirits passion? Maybe. Sometimes it feels good. The energy keeps me sane. The love that is spread makes me feel whole for a little while. But then I always sink back down into the abyss of lostness. I’m healing, I’m learning what this darkness is and what those sparks of light are and how to align and balance those both for longer periods of time instead of one or the other maximized. I’m sure it will be a life long process. Right now, I’m learning what makes my spirit happy like painting, playing, laughing, dancing, writing, drinking an overpriced Chai Latte, seeing my plant babies grow, baby animals, spending time with my family, loving my twin flame and seeing the world.

I’m also trying new things like morning guided meditations meant to clear negative energy and fill it with positive energy, guided by a man trying way to hard to speak relaxingly and stoic. Telling me to imagine a single white cloud drifting through a blue sky. Okay I see it, but I feel the same. Is it supposed to make me feel something? I’m also trying to stretch out my muscles and my body, even if I can only make it to my thighs and not all the way down to my toes. I’ll get there right? If I keep practicing? I’m trying to uphold the responsibility as an Indigenous identified young woman. Because my ancestors fought for me right? I must live up to their expectations and carry on the fight. I’m trying to nourish my body with conscious eats like weird looking veggie meat. It actually tastes pretty good! And little sponges of tofu, I swear I actually like it though! Oh and Soy milk that goes bad in like 5 days after opening.

Anyway, I’m getting off track.
Let’s just say I’m going through things, just like everyone else and I’m not afraid to hide it anymore. I mean I probably will be sometimes. But the fact is I don’t WANT to be afraid and hide it anymore. I feel as though I’ve gotten a lot of praise for some of the work that I do and I know that some youth may look up to me and I don’t want to become one of those role models who’s life seems perfect and wonderful and happy. For that simply isn’t true and just a projection or an illusion created by me. But I want to change that. I want to share my more authentic moments and experiences. To let the soul within this physical body express itself without borders or barriers. So cheers to a new year and the hopes I doing so.